Sheila told me that I wasn’t “kind” in the instagram reel I recorded last week, so I want to share more texture on the overall point I’m making here:
Too boring, didn’t watch? In the video above, a disgruntled middle-aged white dad scolds other men for calling it “babysitting” when they take care of their own kids. If this didn’t land for you, consider the following:
There’s a subtle eschewing of responsibility in this verbal tic. Consider the “babysitter.” Said role often is occupied by a teenager whose only qualifications for the job are “proximity to you,” “availability,” and “needs cashhhh.” An early childhood expert? Not usually. As invested in the medium- and long-term consequences of their childcare decisions as a parent would be? Despite our greatest wishes and self-delusions, almost never.
That’s why it’s so annoying and insidious when dads call it “babysitting.” The implication is that dad is here merely to run out the clock until the REAL parent takes over again. It’s a great way to telegraph that you don’t actual take your role as a parent that seriously.
If I come off as a bit impatient in this video, it’s because I am. Several weeks ago on the The Ezra Klein Show, the sociologist Caitlyn Collins described the “revolution” that has transpired when it comes to women’s participation in the workforce during the last two generations. That tectonic shift is even more dramatic to behold when juxtaposed against the very real - but also very modest and incremental - advances that dads have made vis-a-vis participation in household work and childcare. That imbalance has been the primary concern of this newsletter since inception, and it continues to drive my thinking, writing, parenting choices, community organizing, and activism endeavors.
And look, I know that you “catch more flies with honey than vinegar.” Once in a while, though, you kinda have to say the thing to get folks’ attention. That’s what I decided to do here. I’d love to believe that dudes will change their rhetoric and mental frames because I asked in a more polite way … but … well … yeah.
You’re not a babysitter, Dad. You’re a parent.
Totally agree with what Alan Cohen said. Also, back when I had little ones, my younger, much more wise and patient wife told me she always sort of felt that men saying they babysit their own kids was giving them a pass on parenting in a way. I still shudder at the thought of her giving that look if I were to say it.
Yes!!! Preach! Not the “parent” now, but now being the grandfather(close enough!) I would never consider it babysitting when watching the grandkids. It’s grand parenting and it’s special!