Whither Good Parenting Advice?
Volume 3, Issue 12
Before I became a dad, I asked other dads - OBSESSIVELY - for their parenting advice.
The counsel I received ranged from the hyper-specific (“don’t pick zero-sum fights with your kids”) to the hilarious ( “everyone drops their kids, don’t worry”) to the painfully general (“you’ll figure it out”).
It was that last strain of advice - “don’t worry dude, you’ll figure it out” - that was most vexing and frustrating to me. Like, I’m literally bearing my soul and asking you for help, my guy. You can’t do any better than that?
In retrospect, I’ve come to realize that “you’ll figure it out” isn’t just lazy advice, it’s actually harmful. And no, I’m not exaggerating.
The distribution of parenting labor in this country continues to break down inequitably along gender lines; one of the most common ways moms end up doing way more than dads is in planning ahead. Sometimes this phenomenon is called “mental load” or “cognitive burden,” but whatever you call it, it’s all just a way to capture the fact that, in hetero two-parent households, moms end up doing much more of the thinking and planning when it comes to raising kids. I’m extremely confident, though, that dads, when they put their minds to it, can also do this kind of work. I know many men who get paid money to do this sort of thing in the workplace, where it’s often called “vision” or even “strategic planning.”
Whatever you call it, dads should do more of it at home, and one of the WORST ways to prepare a man to shoulder more of the cognitive burden in a household is to say “you’ll figure it out.”
No, dude, you won’t.
Having kids is massively disruptive to literally everything in your life, and if there’s one thing you can do to ameliorate some of that disruption, it’s to plan ahead. Your blissful pre-kid months are the perfect time to plan, assume some of the cognitive load IN ADVANCE of having kids, and model the fact that you want to be an involved dad.
“You’ll figure it out,” might sound like a throwaway piece of pablum, but it actually reinforces a ton of shitty negative existing social dynamics.
But that’s just my opinion! What’s the best advice you got before having kids? How about the worst? Share your stories in the comments!
You're not going to like it, but back in 1993 when we found out Paula was with child, the best thing I was told was "you'll figure it out." Being the youngest of the Boomers (celebrated my 60th in February, thank you very much), I will tell you that with all of the "I told you so" bullshit I had to process for nearly 30 years before becoming a dad, it was actually liberating to be told "you'll figure it out." So much to unpack with that, but so grateful for that permission not to have to listen to men I felt had little business telling me how to be a dad. As much as I love and miss him now, that was especially true of my dad I was working hard at that time to understand who I felt was not wild about me as his eldest and who did not win father of the year honors other than providing a roof and food and clothing - low bar technically - and never mind my maternal grandfather and uncles. But I run on and digress. And it isn't that I don't get what you are saying about here and now, but then, it was liberating. Now, I wish I had a friend or two or more like you that we could commiserate and work on this fatherhood thing and be damned to ever say "you'll figure it out." For the record, you are rockin' it, Justin. It is not about perfection, but about acknowledgement as much as anything that you'll fuck up as much as you'll get it right even with good insights because each child is so marvelously unique. I love the way you love Sheila and those beautiful souls growing up in a home where love and goodness permeates every corner. My advice is to keep that going and never stop marinating them in love and goodness and rightness and beauty. Peace, love, and understanding.